For Mr. Postman

Dear Mom,

Hey mom. I know this must be EXTREMELY unexpected but by the time you get this letter, I'd already be gone. I'm sorry. Please don't cry. Wasn't it you who always said that we never really know when its our time to go which is why we have to be ready? Well, its MY time and I guess I'm as ready as I'll ever be... but I have to leave this first. Funny isn't it? I'm leaving on the day of my La Salle Entrance Test.. haha... oh well... I guess La Salle was never meant for me.

I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for all things I've done and everything else that I haven't done. I'm sorry for all the times I snapped back and said all those hurtful words to you. You didn't deserve that. I'm sorry for letting every single day pass without showing my apprecaition for everything that you've done. You didn't deserve that either. I know this apology was long overdue. I'm sorry for that too. I just didn't have the guts to do it earlier, I think it was a pride thing. But it's incredibly important that you know now. I want you to know that I'm sorry (as if I haven't said that enough already) and that I love you even if I wasn't always there to show it. I love you. You have no idea how much those words weigh right now.

Mom, I have a favor to ask. Can you please tell dad that I love him? Tell dad that I never hated him, that I understood everything.. why he said those things and why he acted that way. Please tell him that I only acted out sometimes because I couldn't take it anymore. Please PLEASE tell him that I love him so much... that was the only thing that helped me to bottle everything that, at times, I just wanted to lash out at him. Tell him also, how sorry I am that I didn't turn out to be the perfect daughter he always pictured me to be. Tell him that I knew that... that I knew deep down that he wanted that. Tell him I'm sorry that I just didn't come out like that. Tell him that I'm sorry I didn't want to be a doctor or a champion swimmer. Make him understand and again, give him all my love.

Can you also tell Andy, Jeryl and Jian how much I loved them. Tell them that I didn't mean to lash out at them either.It was either me or dad and I thought that it would be better if it was I, who would get mad and pick at their little mistakes, before dad did. You know how dad is. Tell them that I love them and I would just die if they were in my place right now. Oh, and tell Andy how sorry I am that I didn't make our date.

Please tell Lolo and Lola how much I love them also. It was better this way. I couldn't handle it if they went before me. This way, I could prepare a place for them in Heaven. So they understand, tell them about my nightmares. Tell them how, at some nights, when I get to remember my dreams, I wake up screaming and crying because one of them died.

Tell Mama Nita that I'm sorry for leaving so soon because we weren't able to get to know each other that long. Tell her that I want to thank her though for finally making what I've been praying for come true. Please show her the essay, I wrote. And tell her that I love her too.

And for all my friends, Tina, Bianca, Abbey, Mon, Sylvia, Roxanne, Nicole, Magoo, Mariel, Ange and Bea, give them my love. Tell them that I thank God for every single day that I'm alive just because they were all in it. Tell them how much of a difference they made and how important they were to me. Tell them that this was not the way I pictured my leaving the world, tell them that I imagined taking a bullet for each and everyone of them. That was how important they were to me. Please give them each a hug too.

I know what your thinking. Of course I didn't forget that person. I know that you know. We didn't spend all those late nights laughing about nothing, Mom. Can you just please tell that person thatI'm not mad. But make that person understand that I wouldn't have had it any other way. Things worked out for the best and I'm glad that things are just like this. Tell that person how grateful I am for all fun and laughter that we shared. It somehow changed me and helped me realize some things about myself that I would never have known on my own.

Thanks mom. If I get the chance, I'll tell you how Heaven looks like. I love you.

Janine

P.S - Can you please give the following people a hug for me: Katrina, Carissa, Abbey, Tina, Bea O, Tracy, Karla, Danix and Valro